Dear Kyle Payne

Let’s get one thing out of the way first, there has not been a “smear campaign” against you. The fact that you would even begin to characterize the actions of Ren and others (anti-porn folk among them, I might add!), pretty much means that you Do Not Get It.

You smeared yourself. You committed a crime, them pretended as though nothing had happened. I understand not wanting to publicize your actions due to legal and personal reasons. What I DO NOT understand is your continued desire to speak from a feminist position after the fact. In your testimonial, you have written about knowing that what you did was not only horrible and wrong, but that it also contradicted the very beliefs that you so passionately espoused. Shouldn’t you have been using that time for a little self-reflection? Why fool your readers? Why continue to pretend to be an ally? Yes, pretend – if you were acting in good faith, you would have immediately recognized your position as a feminist blogger to be more than a little compromised. You know what genuinely remorseful people do in such a situation? They bow out. If they need to continue blogging, they do so in a different venue, and certainly not from the perspective of a movement they have consciously betrayed.

Yes, consciously. The words you used in your testimonial implied that you were simply confused, that you couldn’t make sense of your feelings. Nah. You wanted to do it, you did it, and you got caught. Of course, it wasn’t an ideology that was trampled that night, even if you want to make it seem that way. First and foremost, you hurt someone badly. She may not bear any physical scars, but you, as a survivor of abuse yourself, ought to know that such experiences turn us. We are not quite the same afterward. And as Jeff points out, you have lumped your victim with the people you have let down, not something you want to do if you’re genuinely attempting to make amends.

Speaking of abuse: Obviously, you did not deserve what happened to you. Obviously, it turned you, like it turned me, like it has turned countless others. Obviously, it is a factor in what happened, especially when one considers the fact that the abused can easily become abusers themselves. But it does not make you a passive zombie like your words imply.

Finding out that my abuser was also abused did make it easier for me to forgive him later. But the man who abused me seemed sorry enough to where he didn’t try to excuse himself. Here’s a hint, Kyle: how about admitting simply that you wanted to do it, that you knew it was wrong (especially considering your past history), and that you did it anyway? Honestly, that takes all of a few sentences. And it would have been a response I would have taken seriously.

Speaking of seriousness, are you farking kidding me with your whole “dear ladies, please write to me, here’s my personal e-mail”? You just want more female attention, don’t you? Extra bonus points if the person who writes you is a former victim, eh?

Yes, I’m sure your lawyer advised you to keep the comments on that testimonial closed. But soliciting responses from your readers is ICKY at this point. Let me guess, you also want to use those responses as evidence that you are on the path to improvement, no? You were planning on getting more sympathy, so your lawyer could help spin things to your advantage, no? Just be honest about it. I’d respect that so much more than this posturing.

I don’t doubt that your life has been seriously impacted by this event, Kyle, and rightfully so. If you weren’t caught, how long would it have taken for you to escalate? Don’t tell me that there’s no way you would have escalated, because lots of people do. And that is something for you to consider.

Why don’t you just be glad that you were caught, Kyle? I mean, if you’re “open” and “honest” and truly care about the victims? Oh, that’s right, you’re not glad. Hey, it’s normal to feel this way, I get it. But if any good is going to come out of this sorry incident, you might want to start seeing it from a different perspective altogether.

Finally, why specifically point out that some of your detractors are pro-p0rn people, you know, like Ren? Oh, I know, it’s because you still fancy yourself above Ren, don’t you? Hey, you might have committed a violation, but at the very least, you’re not like those p0rnstitutes! They’re out to get you because of your noble opposition to what they do! Blargh. You are transparent, my friend. Transparent and scary.

Yeah, Kyle, you genuinely scare me. Perhaps you get off on that. I don’t know. I shouldn’t care either. Your issues are not my responsibility.

I’ve got some issues with the culture he promotes, but I’d take Hugh Hefner over your sorry ass any day. At the very least, Hugh appears to be an honest man. Can’t say the same about you.